The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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