um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
