Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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