o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
