so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
