My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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