I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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