would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
