He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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