The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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