i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
No subtext here. People are naked.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
i think i just lost a toe
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
