I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
