I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
