my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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