Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
