guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
