It was confusing and full of hummus
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
