Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
whose parrot is this?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My dad is sitting where you rode me
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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