plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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