I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
