Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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