Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
