Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
