Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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