if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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