I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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