My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
