the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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