You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I just googled if crying burns calories
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
