Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
