I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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