is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
