after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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