the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
