Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
ugly people sure do ruin things
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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