Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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