we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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