I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
