Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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