R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
