So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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