Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
