I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
