I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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