I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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