I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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