Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
