Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
