I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
