Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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