My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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